You
good evening
about an hour
Venter
hello i am bothered right now a lot
about an hour
and i have been for a while
about an hour
You
what's going on?
about an hour
Venter
i finally went to a counselor and she told me that i'm severely depressed and anxious and angry inside and i bottle everything up and basically all of my personality results came out bad
about an hour
and so now she is going to put me on a pill to make me happy
about an hour
and that worries me because i don't want to change into a different person
about an hour
You
your concern is quite valid..
about an hour
Venter
i still wanna be me i guess
about an hour
but i don't really like myself much but i still want to be a realist i guess
about an hour
but what's really getting to me tonight.. and every night is this guy
about an hour
he came into my life and initiated some sort of weird relationship with me and we hung out a couple of times and then he told me how much he liked me and didn't speak to me for several days after. so i tried to contact him but he didn't reply
about an hour
and i didn't know how to take that. i guess he moved on or something i don't know
about an hour
but i miss him and i can't stop replaying the things he said to me in my head
about an hour
and i miss lying next to him which is stupid but i can't help it
about an hour
i feel silly because i know he doesn't think about me and i saw him last weekend at a party and i saw him looking at me once or twice or maybe i was just drunk but he never spoke to me and that made me sad inside and i feel worthless and used and not special. like i'm a dime a dozen and not good enough or interesting or pretty enough
about an hour
i wanted to mean something to him but i couldn't make him feel anything i guess
about an hour
and i still follow him and he still follows me on social media and i keep seeing him post and he makes posts that he is feeling down sometimes and i miss him and i feel sad for him and i want to make him feel better
about an hour
but he doesn't care ab me and he doesn't think ab me
about an hour
i think he just wanted to conquer me or something but i'm pretty torn up about it he's one of few guys who has ever given me attention. and he's the first guy that made me feel something
about an hour
and once he was sad and had a headache and i gave him money so he could smoke and now i'm just sad i feel used
about an hour
i hate how i would of done so much for him and i was a joke to him
about an hour
You
you said that the two of you hung out a couple of times...so exactly how long was this relationship?
about an hour
Venter
about a month
about an hour
and it wasn't ever really a relationship
about an hour
i guess it didn't mean anything to him
about an hour
but it meant something to me
about an hour
i don't get why he had to lie to me and i just keep wondering what i did wrong or whta i should have said
about an hour
and im sad ab it and im sad about being alone, i'm in college and i've never been in a relationship at all
about an hour
it makes me sick to my stomach tho the way guys will just use me and say things that rlly aren't true
about an hour
i feel hopeless now
about an hour
You
why do you feel that you were the one who did something wrong..?
about an hour
It is an unfortunate reality that there are guys out there that get a lot of fun out of using women
about an hour
how old is this guy do you know?
about an hour
Venter
well he stopped talking to me like 2 days after he told me he missed me and wanted to see me and how he rlly liked me.. and so i tried to reach out to him by just asking him how he was and he didn't answer and so i felt hurt and we haven't spoken
about an hour
he is 19 i'm almost 18
about an hour
i will be 18 at the end of the month
about an hour
You
You seem quite mature for your age, but it seems like he hasn't grown up, he is still a boy
about an hour
Venter
yeah true i mean he doesn't go to college, no car, no job, no license.
about an hour
a loser
about an hour
but somehow i really care about him
about an hour
because i'm an idiot
about an hour
maybe because i just appreciate being wanted
about an hour
i keep trying to tell myself maybe it was him not me but i can't believe that. i obviously did something wrong or maybe i just wasn't worth his time or maybe there were a billion other girls
about an hour
You
Just because you care about someone doesn't make you an idiot. There are very few people who have this special quality of giving themselves to others, and unfortuantely, sometimes they get hurt doing that
about an hour
Venter
i'm so hurt it sucks i want to stop thinking about him
about an hour
You
How long has it been since you last talked to him?
about an hour
Venter
well, i'd say about three weeks
about an hour
but i saw him at a big bonfire party last weekend
about an hour
and i was with my best friend and we were drunk and i saw him several times and i was being quite loud and i saw him look at me several times and i wish i would have just asked him why
about an hour
because now it's getting to be too late
about an hour
and i feel like it never even happened now i feel like it doesn't matter to him and he probably goes through too many girls to care ab me at all
about an hour
You
I have a question for you...
about an hour
Venter
yes
about an hour
You
...and i hope you will answer it honestly...
about an hour
Venter
ok
about an hour
You
...if he responds to you or starts talking to you again, how would you feel...?
about an hour
Venter
i would be happy
about an hour
You
...do you think you can accept him again considering what he did to you?
about an hour
Venter
yeah
about an hour
because nobody else wants me?
about an hour
and i don't know why i like him i wish i didn't
about an hour
but i know he isn't going to talk to me again
about an hour
You
what makes you say that nobody wants you?
about an hour
Venter
and i can't initiate it i can't do it i'll feel needy and crazy
about an hour
the fact that guys just don't talk to me often
about an hour
You
maybe they are just intimidated by your good looks
about an hour
Venter
ha
about an hour
You
i'm not joking
about an hour
Venter
ok
about an hour
You
A lot of guys don't talk to girls who are very good looking
about an hour
they are afraid
about an hour
Venter
why do you think he stopped talking to me
about an hour
You
maybe he is just the player type.. do you know if he is talking to another girl or girls
about an hour
Venter
i don't know
about an hour
i don't have a clue
about an hour
but i mean i was so disposable to him
about an hour
You
let me ask you this...?
about an hour
Venter
i was not even worth an explination
about an hour
ok
about an hour
You
did he try to have sex with you..?
about an hour
Venter
not rlly
about an hour
i mean we did things
about an hour
but we never had sex
about an hour
i am a virgin and i think he knew that
about an hour
You
Since i dont know the guy, i can't say for sure...
about an hour
..but there could be a couple of reasons..
about an hour
Venter
oko
about an hour
ok*
about an hour
maybe he found someone else to fuck him
about an hour
You
...either he is a player who uses women, and thats what he did to you...
about an hour
or...
about an hour
..like you said, he found someone else
about an hour
but either way, it has nothing to do with how you are
about an hour
Venter
it makes me feel terrible
about an hour
like every time he spoke to me he didn't rlly care at all
about an hour
he pretended
about an hour
i am so hurt
about an hour
You
That was your gut feeling eh?
about an hour
Venter
i hate myself for thinking someone could actually care about me
about an hour
how could i be so stupid
about an hour
You
Well my dear, you can beat yourself over what happened and be hard on yourself...
about an hour
Venter
i mean at first i was scared but then we started hanging out and i thought he really care about me
about an hour
You
or you can take a lesson from this and not allow yourself to be mis-used again by boys like this
about an hour
Venter
that's true
about an hour
You
How people treat us is not our fault...
about an hour
Venter
but i'm too lonely
about an hour
You
...but how we treat ourselves is
about an hour
Venter
like i wasn't good enough for him to want to stick around
about an hour
and that hurts me
about an hour
because i tried to be there for him
about an hour
and it wasn't good enough
about an hour
You
If you keep beating yourself and call yourself an idiot, how can you expect others to respect you?
about an hour
Venter
i'm always there for people
about an hour
i don't expect people to respect me
about an hour
You
Well you should...
about an hour
Venter
i did and it didn't work out
about an hour
You
..and people will respect you, only after YOU respect yourself and take care of your needs
about an hour
Venter
how could i think
about an hour
that someone actually like me
about an hour
i want to escape my mind
about an hour
You
and why can someone not like you..?
about an hour
give me a good reason
about an hour
Venter
and maybe these pills will be good for me and maybe i'll stop worrying
about an hour
i don't know man i don't know it's just that guys don't like me they never do and it's frustrating ok
about an hour
You
I told myself the same thing for years and years...
about an hour
Venter
maybe i'll change but maybe that's a good thing
about an hour
You
...that girls dont find me attractive...
about an hour
...and i was depressed for a long time
about an hour
...but then, i just stopped caring about other people's opinions, and learned to love myself and like me for who i am...
about an hour
...and something strange happened...
about an hour
Venter
i dont wanna have to do all that i guess i would just like someone to care about me now
about an hour
im frustrated
about an hour
You
for someone reason, people around me started picking up on my self-confidence and my positive attitude
about an hour
You are young and full of potential, don't sell yourself short
44 minutes
Venter
if i couldn't be good enough for him then i couldn't be good enough for anyone
44 minutes
he wasn't even a person who most ppl find vry attractive but i just found him attractive and he used me or didn't care about me or lost interest or all of those things and i am hurt and i feel sad
43 minutes
he fucked my self-esteem up even more than it was before
43 minutes
You
Are you comfortable living like this for the rest of your life
42 minutes
Venter
no
42 minutes
i dont want to be alone anymore
42 minutes
BUT im not good enough for people
42 minutes
You
So you want to change, right?
42 minutes
Venter
my personality sucks
42 minutes
i don't want to change i just want someone to like me for who i am and i am sad that i have to take pills to be normal and i am sad that i worry about dumb shit all the time
41 minutes
i don't want to have to change
41 minutes
but nobody likes who i am right now
41 minutes
and i can't function well and i' msad
41 minutes
You
So you are saying yuo don't want to change from being negative and depressed to being positive and happy?
41 minutes
Venter
no
41 minutes
that's not what i'm saying
40 minutes
i don't rlly know what i am saying or who i am as a person
40 minutes
i guess i am quite cynical but i feel like that is just a part of who i am
40 minutes
so when i start taking pills i don't understand what i'll be like
40 minutes
You
You are right about the cynical part...
40 minutes
Venter
i believe that i would be happier if i weren't alone
39 minutes
You
And i can tell you from experience that pills cannot make anyone happy. Happiness comes from inside
39 minutes
by loving yourself first
39 minutes
Venter
i have tried loving myself first
38 minutes
and i have been there and it has worked and i was ok for a bit
38 minutes
but then this guy fucked me up again
38 minutes
he made me feel pretty worthless
38 minutes
and that scares me
38 minutes
because he impacted my life and i didn't impact his at all
37 minutes
i meant nothing at all like he does not think about me ever
37 minutes
it doesnt make sense to me and i'm sad and i keep breaking down i cry so much
37 minutes
You
I totally get it, you gave your trust to someone and he betrayed it. I can understand how you feel. I have been there myself and it sucks big time
36 minutes
Venter
like sometimes i just gotta leave m y class and go sit in my car and cry it's terrible and then every night i cry and i feel trapped and alone
36 minutes
You
And do you want to love like this for the remainder of your life?
36 minutes
Allow any guy to control your emotions and how you feel?
36 minutes
Venter
i dont know what i want
36 minutes
i want someone to make me feel happy
35 minutes
i deserve that
35 minutes
so im sick of hearing that i dont desrve that
35 minutes
because i try to work on myself every day
35 minutes
like i go to work and i go to school and try so hard to make myself happy
35 minutes
and it sucks when nothing works
35 minutes
You
of course you deserve to be happy, but im curious to know...
35 minutes
Venter
so when people tell me i gotta love myself it hurts me because i have tried everything
34 minutes
You
how can someone make you happy..like what can they do?
34 minutes
Venter
care about me like i care about them
33 minutes
actually be interested in me
33 minutes
thats all
33 minutes
You
thats fair
33 minutes
so i'm wondering...
33 minutes
if another guy came into your life, and if he was different..
32 minutes
and he actually treated you well, how would you react?
32 minutes
Venter
i would be shocked
32 minutes
i would not understand
32 minutes
and i would be worried
32 minutes
You
Shocked??
32 minutes
Venter
yes
31 minutes
but i would feel happy
31 minutes
You
No offense, but maybe that is the problem...
31 minutes
Venter
but i wold make sure to tell myself that it probably wouldnt last
31 minutes
what is the problem
31 minutes
You
Somehow, you have convinced yourself that you dont desrve it
31 minutes
If you actually believe that people cannot love you than it will happen. Trust me, I have experienced it
30 minutes
Venter
i dont understand
30 minutes
You
I know you dont want to believe this at this time...
29 minutes
Venter
i dont get it
29 minutes
You
...but until you convince yourself that you are a special human being and that someone will be very lucky to have you in their life, you cannot attract a person to your life
28 minutes
Venter
my self-esteem is fragile, i have tried everything to love myself i have done so much
28 minutes
and i tried to do that
28 minutes
and then he left
28 minutes
You
Thats it!!
28 minutes
you said it yourself...fragile self-esteem...!
28 minutes
Venter
he left
28 minutes
You
So the question now becomes...
27 minutes
are you willing to work on improving your self-esteem?
27 minutes
Venter
i dont know HOW
27 minutes
You
I'll be honest with you...it takes work..
27 minutes
Venter
and i prefer to be real with myself
26 minutes
You
...and it takes time
26 minutes
Venter
AND i have already tried working on my self-esteem
26 minutes
and i was pretty much kind of okay at one point
26 minutes
but really i wasn't
26 minutes
You
there you go, so you know it works
26 minutes
Its an ongoing process
26 minutes
Venter
but i am so frustrated bc i don't know what to do
25 minutes
i don't know myself like i thought i did
25 minutes
i feel like nothin
25 minutes
nothing
25 minutes
**
25 minutes
the only thing i could think to describe myself: realist, neurotic, cynical
25 minutes
and when i start taking those pills those things may go away
24 minutes
and then what am i
24 minutes
You
I'm going to ask you a very important question, and i hope you answer it very honestly...
24 minutes
Venter
that is when i become nothing
24 minutes
or worse. that is when i become like everyone else
24 minutes
blindly happy. or a simpleton
23 minutes
ok ask
23 minutes
You
Do you REALLY want to be a happy human being, without being dependent on the pills..?
23 minutes
Venter
i dont know what i want
22 minutes
because i dont know who i am anymore
22 minutes
and im freaked out about that a little bit
22 minutes
like im not even real
21 minutes
You
Then perhaps, you need to take some time out for yourself to answer that question...
21 minutes
..and find out what you desire in life
21 minutes
Venter
i cant do that tho
21 minutes
You
I really want to help you sweetheart, i really do...
20 minutes
Venter
i gotta kno
20 minutes
that someone out there
20 minutes
wants me?
20 minutes
You
...but i can only do that if you are wiling to help me help you
20 minutes
Venter
at least 1 damn person
20 minutes
like i just dont know what to do at this point
19 minutes
because how the hell do i know who i am
19 minutes
well l've done some traveling and i liked that and i like architecture and i like cities and i like writing and music but is that really who i am
19 minutes
like as a person i don't know
18 minutes
what am i without all of that
18 minutes
You
you said you are 18 right..?
18 minutes
Venter
17. 18 at the end of this month
18 minutes
You
so do you really expect to find all the answers in life at this age?
18 minutes
Venter
no
18 minutes
but i see everyone around me
18 minutes
and i bet they dont know the answers either
17 minutes
but they still have a person
17 minutes
You
i dont want to hurt your feelings...
17 minutes
Venter
hurt them go ahead
17 minutes
You
...but also have to be honest with you...
17 minutes
..i can bet my entire month's salary that any person cannot make you happy
17 minutes
That happiness is only temporary. Real joy comes from within. Whether you want to believe that or not is your choice
16 minutes
Venter
tru
16 minutes
but the last guy made me happy and then he left..........
16 minutes
now i am more fucked up than before
16 minutes
more broken up into little stupid pieces of nothing
15 minutes
You
I'm sorry, but he did not make you happy. The thought of him being in your life made you happy
15 minutes
Venter
and less open and less ok
15 minutes
true i guess
15 minutes
maybe ur right
15 minutes
im just too fucked up
15 minutes
for anyoen
15 minutes
You
I know i am right..because i have been there
15 minutes
Venter
like damn i am too fucked up for someone to like me
14 minutes
You
I know the pain that you are going through
14 minutes
Venter
that sucks to know
14 minutes
it sucks hwne i try so hard to like myself every day
14 minutes
and i cannot do it
14 minutes
ive never been this depressed
14 minutes
ive been down but this is terrible like i have never in my life
13 minutes
felt this pain
13 minutes
i dont know what to do or where to start or where to go
13 minutes
my best friend has cancer so its like shitty of me to complain to her u kno
13 minutes
i mean she's ok it's controlled but
13 minutes
she stil lives with it she has to live her entire life taking fucking pills
12 minutes
my other best friends has better things to do when i try to talk to her she blocks me out but i'm always there for her
12 minutes
You
And do you feel that you should be thankful for not being in her shoes?
11 minutes
Venter
yeah
11 minutes
but i don't want happiness from pitying other people
11 minutes
You
I can help you on your journey, I feel i need to because you deserve a happy life, but only if you want me to...
11 minutes
Venter
ok
11 minutes
You
Are you willing to put in the time and effort making your life better..?
10 minutes
Venter
i have been doing that man
10 minutes
it just hasnt worked i mean i finally went to a counselor
10 minutes
You
Thats doesnt answer my question...sorry
10 minutes
Venter
ok sure yeah sure but id
10 minutes
k
10 minutes
You
Is that a promise?
10 minutes
Venter
i guess
10 minutes
i just dont understand
9 minutes
You
Yes or no?
9 minutes
Venter
like what is the first magical step
9 minutes
yes
9 minutes
apparently there is some magical thing i've gotta do that i've missed ou t on
9 minutes
You
Ok...so right now, you are promising me that you are making a commitment...
9 minutes
Venter
yeah i mean DUDE obviously i have been trying tto improve myself? for so long
8 minutes
I DONT KNOW How it never works nothing has worked
8 minutes
You
My time is precious, and unlike these counselors, im not going to be charging you anything
8 minutes
so i want to know that you will work with me to do the things necessary to change your life
8 minutes
Venter
like what
8 minutes
You
I am willing to invest some of my time to coach you on a regular basis...
7 minutes
..to help you with life
7 minutes
Venter
ok ??
7 minutes
like howthough
7 minutes
You
email and stuff
6 minutes
Venter
please know that i will never turn to religion tho ok
6 minutes
like i cannot do that
6 minutes
You
this isnt about religion
6 minutes
Venter
good
6 minutes
You
im not a pastor or a preacher
6 minutes
this is what has worked for me
6 minutes
Venter
what has worked for you
6 minutes
You
and i strongly believe it can work for you
6 minutes
Changing my beliefs about how i perceive myself
5 minutes
So you up for the challenge?
5 minutes
Venter
sure man
5 minutes
You
You dont sound convinced
5 minutes
Venter
ok well im convinced
4 minutes
im tired ok
4 minutes
You
So you are not going to quit on me then?
4 minutes
Venter
i am vry tired it is late i am crying trying to do it loudly and have classtomorrow and i need a hug jesus
4 minutes
NO i wont quit but i dont even kno what my goal is
4 minutes
my goal is to stop being alone
4 minutes
You
Okay...let's call it a night by giving you a big HUG
3 minutes
Venter
ok
3 minutes
You
I promise you...
3 minutes
Venter
ok
3 minutes
You
...if youdo what i ask you to do, you will NOT be alone
3 minutes
Venter
ok
3 minutes
You
So here's what i want you to do..
3 minutes
Venter
okay..
2 minutes
You
theimpactivistdotcom
2 minutes
this is my username on this site
2 minutes
email me and tell me we had this talk tonight
2 minutes
Venter
ok
2 minutes
but what's ur email how do i do that
2 minutes
You
and we will start this journy
1 minute
Venter
okey
1 minute
You
or you can email me here..
1 minute
stxxxxx06@gmail.com
1 minute
Venter
ok
1 minute
You
Got it?!
1 minute
Venter
thx man very much i am going to bed iwill email u soon
1 minute
thanks
1 minute
for staying on here with me
just now
You
I forgot to ask you your name?
just now
Venter
paiton
just now
You
Ok Paiton, I'm Max
just now
Venter
ok
just now
You
I'll talk to ya soon
just now
Venter
ok
just now
bye
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